Eleven years ago I was engaged to be married. I have to be honest; this is something that I never believed would happen. And why? Because my definition of a life-long companion seemed like an impossible order to fill. Yet one day, eleven years ago, there she was. She was everything that I ever wanted, and some things that I didn’t even know I wanted. And most importantly, she loved me. She loved me more than anyone had ever loved me before. And I felt a love for her that was unlike any love I had ever experienced.

What could possibly go wrong?

It was only a few months into our engagement before I started to feel… not good about things. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but eventually my discomfort in our relationship grew until it was unbearable. The strange thing was, absolutely nothing had changed. She was still exactly the woman I imagined when I thought of my ideal companion. She had given her heart up to me and now I didn’t know what to do with it. I wanted to run away from how I was feeling. My rational mind was utterly confused, and understandably, so was she. The worst part about it was that I didn’t even want to try to figure out what was going on, I just wanted relief from my emotional discomfort. So I left her.

Needless to say she was devastated. She moved across the country to live with her parents and wrote me letters everyday. She poured her heart into those letters. I eventually stopped reading them because of how they made me feel inside. I couldn’t account for my actions but I decided it was better to not think about it. There must be some logical explanation and I’m sure it has nothing to do with me. I was resigned to accept that I would probably never be married again.

Three years ago that all changed. I met someone else and felt that same ineffable love for her. This time it felt even stronger than before. I loved her so much I can’t even begin to explain it. I knew this was going to be it! But sure enough, a few months into it, something started to change. But this time, she was the one who started to feel… not good about our relationship. And she was confused because she still loved me deeply, yet something was making her feel emotional discomfort. She decided to leave me. Our engagement was off.

This seems like a strange irony but I can assure you it was no accident. This reversal of fortune left me utterly devastated and I immediately thought of my previous love. I called her in Toronto to apologize – eight years later. But as I hung up the phone I felt a huge disappointment in myself. I still couldn’t explain my actions. Why did I leave her? Why did my current fiancé leave me? Both questions could be answered by the same explanation.

The next three years would be a tale of tenacity and persistence. My engagement was back on, then off, then on. I believed I could keep us together by my sheer determination and will power. It wasn’t enough. At times it felt like forcing the two positive ends of a magnet together; we were both resisting! Yet we were totally in love with each other. What was going on?

After our final breakup I was broken. My life wasn’t turning out the way I wanted it to. I was beginning to suspect that I too was responsible for my relationships’ failures. I decided to take a look at my actions and my choices in life, but I was going to need help to do it.

I had been to two therapists before, once with my fiancé and once on my own. They didn’t even scratch the surface. I left frustrated and even more confused. Then a friend of mine recommended Joel. I was hesitant because of my previous experiences, but I didn’t know what else to do.

One of the first things we worked on (and still work on) is understanding how and what I am feeling. That