| Q |
My relationship with my husband seems to
have stalled somewhere along the line. I'd like to leave him
but we have two wonderful children. What should I do?
|
| A |
Only as the very last resort do
I recommend that you leave him. Here's why: 1) the children
have a right to know that you did everything in your power, short
of absolutely betraying yourself, to give them a father. 2)
You inevitably have dysfunctional and limiting patterns in matters
of intimate and committed love and will take them all with you to
your next relationship. 3) If you will open up to your husband
and speak your truths, no matter how painful and frightening, in a
loving and vulnerable way, you are giving him and yourself a chance
that many men (and women) in my experience use to learn their deepest,
lessons of love. |
| Q |
My teenage son will not listen to a word I
say. He seems to relish doing almost the opposite of what I
ask him. It's getting worse all the time. I think he needs
therapy. What do you think? |
| A |
The first and most difficult place to begin to
alter the state of any relationship is to invite you to take
responsibility for its quality. This does not mean that you
are bad and that your son is innocent and perfect. It means
that the relationship could not have deteriorated to this point without
your participation. Change your patterns of relating and the
relationship can breathe fresh air. Also, if you are employing
power and control tactics or holding on to blameful attitudes, this
will invariably undermine intimacy and cooperation. Check all
this out first. Then and only then send your kid to therapy. |
| Q |
All my life I have been struggling with some
form of addictive behavior. At one time in my life it was alcohol,
at another drugs, and now, though I hate to admit it, I think I'm
obsessed with work and money. Can addictions be something other
than physical? |
| A |
Yes. There are three primary forms that addiction
patterns can take. One is substance abuse use and abuse, e.g.
food and smoking. Another is the activity addictions e.g. work,
power, shopping and gambling. A third is the so called "love
addictions" including sex, romance and relationship addictions
(the last is also known by the term co-dependence). All involve
tremendous amounts of masked and buried pain. |
| Q |
Why are my emotional reactions sometimes alarmingly
out of proportion to the events or conversations that triggered them? |
| A |
Many of us have never attended to or fulfilled
our most fundamental emotional needs. Though on one level we
are competent, rational and intelligent people, on the other we resemble
an open wound or sore. If your unhealed pain is touched or irritated
by someone such as your mate, son, daughter, parent or friend, they
will be the innocent bystanders of the attack/defense reactions you
employ to cover up that pain. |
