There is a fear of which I am a part that passes understanding, and there is a peace and connectedness of which I am a part that passes understanding.

I am afraid. I am more afraid than I know—more afraid than I can conceive of. On some very deep sub-conscious, level I am afraid of everybody and everything. I am afraid of almost every single human being. Even with those few people who are the blessed exceptions to the rule, I become afraid from time to time. I have found it embarrassing, and at times shameful, to admit that I am this afraid. To hide all this fear I have created many public faces. In attempting to control it, I have demanded of myself that I present myself to the world as unflappably strong, poised, and confident; or at the very least, to appear to others to be unflappably strong, poised, and confident. You might say that I have been too afraid to be afraid. This pretence of being fearless, as I now see it, has only driven my fear underground. This has caused my fear to splinter and refract into a multitude of expressions that affected literally every area of my life.

Over the years I have devoted considerable conscious attention and effort to intimately knowing and working through all of this. I have been able to track it, map it, and heal it, to the point where it does not have complete control over my life. I have come to know that it is a part of me; a twisted, pained and sometimes toxic part of me, but a part of me nonetheless. This part of me is in great need of attention, healing and love. I have come to know that by embracing whatever fear I encounter, and following it to its origins in my consciousness, that I can experience peace, safety, and sanity with more and more regularity.

There are occasions when my fear actually disappears completely. It is as if it has evaporated. It is at those times that I can touch and experience a peace and connectedness that passes understanding. In my efforts to heal I have also devoted considerable attention and effort to knowing this peace and connectedness and following it to its origins in my consciousness.

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